I have struggled with the fear of abandonment all through my teenage years. Almost all the “friendships” that I put my effort in to maintain where those in which I had to struggle to keep up with.
I was constantly overwhelmed with the thoughts that I was being the butt of the joke and sometimes I was right too. But, I was just too shameless to just say “fuck off” and walk away. I stuck with those who did not want me with them, because I was so scared of being alone, I was in complete denial of the reality where I was ignored.
I did attract some friends who were really genuine and loved me despite my flaws and quirks, but I wanted to be with the fun, popular ones still. It took me atleast a decade and a half to realise that those “genuine” friends were those who were exactly like me.
They had the same flaws, insecurities and similar fears that I did. They valued warmness, craziness and the life philosophies that I did, but yet I pushed them away.
I still struggle with the insecurities related to being myself. It is sad that these insecurities are not just related to friends; even when it comes to people I have just met and I find that they are not as interested in me as they are with someone else, I go out of my way to make myself heard loud.
I did not enjoy the process but as long as this person was interested in me once again, that is all that i cared about. When I reflected on these experiences a few minutes before I chose to write this blog, I wondered if I had some narcissistic traits, but I pushed my mind away from that after realizing how ridiculous that sounded.
Aren’t narcissists obsessed with themselves? I was obsessed with the idea of getting others to like me. That’s not narcissism, it’s the complete opposite. I was always a self hater. Maybe now that I have realised that, I could learn to love myself for who I am, maybe I could learn to love the people who are naturally drawn to my complicated personality.. all the flaws and all.
To initiate a friendship, it’s a good step to see which person in the room is quick to smile back at you.