I’ve been guilty of doing this quite often.
I worry about the insignificant little things and they always prevent me from experiencing the little joys from other things.
After reflecting on this, I have discovered that the most part of my days are being spent worrying.
It is either a pimple that won’t go away, the crop top that I could never get to wear because my body type isn’t favourable, the foundation that is in the wrong shade, the very small timeframe I have between my class and lunch to actually engage in a meaningful conversation with my friends,
We all do it..
This leads to many unhealthy behaviour patterns that not only affect us mentally, but also physically.
All these little worrying adds up to form a huge bundle that keeps weighing us down. I remember the time when I was overcome with all these little concerns, I would just lock myself in my room, worried to get out.
I accept that going out means more worries, more disappointments, all about very little, stupid, insignificant, shitty little things.
The air that circulates within the space in my room feels heavier than it is anywhere else. It is in this space where I feel that whatever I do, I cannot do it beyond a very depressingly slow pace.
I forget about the things that I was good at..
I refuse to communicate…
I forget how it feels when I smile….
A simple google search would tell you it is ‘depression’.
And I started to believe that I was depressed. People advised me to follow the teachings and guidance of people who have what I wanted. So that’s what I did. I read books, I watched interviews, I listened to podcasts.
Each material that I read, listened to or saw gave me some quick fix techniques that they said would work. But none of them actually talked about how to un-worry about the little unimportant things that we always wrap our heads around.
And our society, our environment does not make it easy either.
With social media being a great window for people to show what they are good at, we immediately look into our own lives and capabilities and immediately accept that we couldn’t be nearly as good enough. We get compared to our over achieving , clear skinned, fitness motivated cousins by our own parents.
Each day I walk to class or the gym, all these tiny worries fill my head and it adds to the reason to not go.
So one day I decided, enough was enough. I am going to spend the day not caring.
As soon as I got up, I got ready, spent less than 10 seconds looking at myself in the mirror. I opened my laptop, logged out of all social media accounts. Took my phone, uninstalled all social media apps. I have realised that all these
social media websites were not actually intended to make one social at all.
I saw it as nothing more than entertainment websites.
With it`s daily doses of memes, bitterness, people having time to tag you in memes and accept friend requests but not actually taking the time to communicate with you, when I came to think of it, it was not really adding anything of value to my life. Oh.. and I also deleted the messenger app. I figured I had too many messaging apps, the ones who mattered had my number and that’s how they were going to reach me.
As for fitness, I no longer spent my mornings in bed looking at how people dramatically changed their lifestyle to become healthy and fit. I got up and went to the gym, I opted for group fitness classes where I incorporated a mix of dance aerobic classes and strength training classes. I noticed that I push myself harder when I am surrounded by people who push themselves harder on the command of someone who is being paid to push you harder.
In short, I tried to eliminate from my life all those things that could make me feel uncertain about my decisions or insecure about my choices.
I am learning not to stay in the same location for two long unless I am sleeping.
I bought and borrowed some good novels; growing up, I learnt a lot of virtues and principles from fictional characters than the real ones.
I reached out to friends and took them out for an ice cream.
Life is simple. You either love or hate, you either can or can’t, you either conform or rebel. It’s time we stop complicating and over analysing everything and start living and loving.